I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
