ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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