i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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