Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
