It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
