Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
