I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
