I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
