She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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