He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
