My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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