you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
