...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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