Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
