The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
