I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
