you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
