we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
