Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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