My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
