i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
