Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
