New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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