My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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