p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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