my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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