3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
