I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
