Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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