I want to walk on stilts...naked
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
