What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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