Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
