I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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