Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
