I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
