Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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