omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
