I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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