Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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