One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
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