I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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