eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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