Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
