Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
did i just pee glitter
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