no, he came in my armpit
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
