a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
