sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
