i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
