hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
