Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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