I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
