We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
